Ok SWTOR fans. You've made it here again (god knows why), and I have a special treat for you today.  Today on this lovely TOR-Syndicate sponsored blog (shameless plug and blatant ass-kissing) I'm going to delve into the most dark and deadly of mmo places. That's right. The dark place, that even the Bene Gesserit dare not look.   Microtransactions.

Now let me be totally up front about this blog. Go get a cup of tea, a muffin, and your Yoda stress ball. You're gonna need it.  This topic, and yes, even the word "Microtrasactions" makes me want to go all hulk on crap. I get angry, I get weepy, I scream at my cat about his greedy nature, I applaud the mailman giving him a sense of accomplishment, I go looking up girlfriends from 20 years ago on facebook hoping that at least one of them might not be married with a husband that is a Cowboy Astronaut Lawyer Actor Peace-corps worker.... Futile and pointless emotions and endeavors. Confusion. Mass hysteria. General Skull-*******. I could deal with micro-transactions if we just treated it like we treat AIDS, or Poverty, Ethnic Cleansing, The Homeless, or even Same-Sex Jawa marriage. AKA: "It's someone elses problem".  But unlike those silly unimportant things , this topic hits home. It might affect ME! NO? Allow me to es-plain

With the Terms of Service for Game Testing all of us eagerly and mindlessly agreed to over at the official SWTOR forums, BioWare thought it appropriate to go ahead and sneak in this little tidbit cleverly disguised as a subsection, written in Aramaic:

_{(I) You acknowledge and agree that all items acquired for points during the Game Program are non-refundable and non-tradable.}

_{(K)  that BWA reserves the right to change/add/remove points rewarded in the Game store at any time and without warning.}

_{(M) You acknowledge and agree that points acquired during the Game Program cannot be saved up for or used in the commercial version of the Game.}

_{(N) You the gamer agree to punch yourself in the balls with brass knuckels, whilst on video, and mail this video in to BioWare NDA's Funniest home videos, C/O Electronic Arts, Charlottesvilla VA, should you fail to purchase BWA points.}

_{(O)You acknowledge and agree that any fun you have playing SWTOR is considered currency, and BioWare retains the right to that currency. Should you attempt to keep any fun for yourself, someone will promptly show up and beat you with a chair for at least 17 minutes. Then steal your wallet.}

_{(P)Bioware is not liable for any teasing, harassing, bullying, or general douch-baggery that arises from you buying a $75.00 flying unicorn that looks like a fucking ferret with wings.}

 

Now this sent a particularly icy shiver through my spine. Does this mean greedotransactions are confirmed? Will they be selling pet R2-D2's and annoying British idiots to walk around and nag you like your mother?  Will we be seeing spinners on swoop bikes?  Good sweet Jesus I hope not. If I see a pet Jar-Jar so help me Christ, I'll de-orbit a satellite right onto BioWare headquarters then go Shoot Lucas in the damn head. Or possibly write a very stern letter with words like "Agitated" and "****truck" and possibly even "Cancel".

I for one want a Subscription model. And I mean a traditional, pay "X" and get every-bloody-thing in the game. All that is required is time and effort.  Not the Craptic (thanks for destroying Star Trek. You wanker bastards) model of "Pay a sub, then pay for slots, then pay for every single piece of content, and pay some more for a uniform, then pay some more to level faster, then pay for BALRGH!!!!!!"  Now maybe I'm cheap.... well hell, let's call a droid a droid. I AM cheap. I'm one of the Cheapest bastards you will ever meet. The last thing I paid full price for was 1980. I was five and still I should have haggled with that prick.  Cheapness in mind, I have no problem paying a sub. $14.99. No problem at all. $19.99... Yes, I would, if it meant no cash shop, no pay to get ahead mechanics, and the rock solid promise that there never would be some any of cash shop. Yup, you betcha.

Why do I hate cash shops?  Thats simple. They suck.  Really. That's all you need to know. EVER.  "But Flagg, why do they suck?" nobody in particular asks:  Ok fine. I'll elaborate.

Cash shops are the worst thing to happen to western gamers since the invention of Mountain Dew Code Red.  Now if you are a strictly free to play model fine, have a cash shop. Hell have 3. I have tried about 15 free to play titles over the las t 2 years and I can say with no regret or hesitiation, I would rather be buggered by a 50 foot tall octopus wielding a skyscraper sized dildo than play any of the totally and utterly crap F2P games I have ever experienced.  Sure LotR and D&D are free to play...kinda.  It's like you own your leased car.... kinda.  Sure you can experience the watered down idiot version of the crap they were to lazy, bored or  cheap to recode into the new model for free. Have at it.  I don't know about you, but If my path from 1-50 consists of killing 131,000,000 different kinds of wolves, you can shoot me right in the bloody face. Right now.  Not gonna do it, never again.   I find their development, quality, content, and leveling curves retarded at best, and Family guy sex at worst.  They tend to spend all their design time creating Swords of Swording and Axe's of Axeing.   Lets take a look at Allods. The F2P game with the most potential (imo), turned into a galactic whore the size of mega-maid.  If these money whoring, slimy, developers got any dumber or greedier, I swear someone would think they were a bad movie cliche of corporations from the 90's.  They patented bush-like mathematics in a freakin video game.  "Lets make them pay real world money when they die! or else they get a debuff that turns them into a pillow for 9 months".  What retarded snapperhead thought that tripe up? IT'S A VIDEO GAME. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DIE.  Then we've got xp potions, weapons, armor, blah blah blah blah crap.

I understand these companies need to make money to sustain their services. But speaking as an American, I am a fat spoiled whore.  I freely admit it.  I want what I want when I want it.  We are used to paying 1 time and owning it. We pay to maintain it, and we pay to upgrade it, but for all intents and purposes it's ours.  Say you buy a new car.  49.99.  You pay monthly for gas, insurance, and pine air fresheners. 14.99, occasionally you need to take it in to get worked on or get an expansion installed (humor me). another 49.99 or so per year.   Great right?  Totally expected? Yeah. Exactly.   Now imagine you decide to light up a cigarette in your car.  Ashtray wont open.... You call me, the asshat who scammed...er..... sold you the car and I explain about the ashtray fee. For 5.99 you may use the ashtray for 1 month, and ashtrays are premium content. But If you drive the Monaco-GP, finish first, and break the world record there is a CHANCE you might win an imitation of the ashtray that you can use forever.  How about your trunk? You open the trunk and find 3/4 of it welded shut.  But for a small fee of 3.99 per foot, me, the thieving, money whoring dealer will come and remove the blocked off area...In sections.... for a price...

Its another method for sub-par developers to string people along and rape their wallets simultaneously. Sure it opens up more payment options. Sure it gives variety. It also caters to people who want to pay their way to the top.  If I hear the fucktarded, idiotic, teeth-grinding,  argument that " I don't have as much time to play, why should I be forced to pay the same?" one more time I'm gonna have a stroke. When you, a productive full time parent and employee buy a toaster, stereo, tv, xbox, live donkey, pet badger, video game, sock puppet,  and then your unemployed socially waste of space, douche-bag goatee sporting slackoff jerkoff of a roomate buys the same thing with his mom's money, does he pay the same?  If he sits in front of the  toaster, stereo, tv, xbox, live donkey, pet badger, video game, sock puppet, doing nothing but toasting, rocking, watching, fragging, buggering, bleeding, playing, talking all day long, should he pay more or less? AH HA!!!!! YOU SEE!  See what I did there?  Gaming is no different. Economically that may have been a bad comparison, but I really don't care. I got my point across. I think.

It's called the rite of responsibility. You have a life and things to do. Well yeeeeeeeeeee haw for you. Alot of us do. Paying your way to the top or "WalletPwning" is just a cheap, self-serving, bullshit wanker attitude and you should be molested by a angry horney bear for having it, and If you instead agree with me, you're going to heaven and there will be lots of pie. God Told me.

These people want real-life physics to apply to a videogame world. I don't know about everyone else (or anyone esle at all for that matter) but I get enough of that shit in real life. The rich pay, the moderate labor, and the poor suffer.  I play videogames to escape my everyday hum-drum life of slacktitude. I see myself as a powerful sith, Darth Spanking the galaxy, fighting the forces of Care-bearyness. Doing all the crap that I just can't do in real life, with lightsabers. Living out my dream of existing in the star wars universe.  I do not need to be reminded that because my credit card emulates the color of a different base metal than yours does, I am worth less.  It may be true, but by god I don't need you rich disposable income bastards mucking up my fantasy and reminding me my student loans are overdue for the 12 bajillionth time.  I know I'll never bang Liv Tyler(pre-baby, post LOTR Liv Tyler, when she was still smokin hot), but I also don't need you wankers plopping down your gold card to watch while I fantasize about it.   Equality on all fronts. Yes, the people who are the most dedicated should have the best stuff....BECAUSE THEY ARE THE MOST DEDICATED. It's that simple. Period.  This world revolves around money, and isn't real life enough of a pisser to keep it out of the SWTOR-scape?  If they add microtransactions that allow paying your way to the top, they might as well make you carry out the trash from you personal ship and have to stop mid mission to take a crap every 6 hours.  They would both be equally stupid. Let's keep the gaming in the games and the wallet-raping in the insurance industry.   I for one am against microtransactions, but hey. I bet you guessed that by now huh?  Now feel free stab the crap out of your Flagg voodoo dolls, and fantasize about me getting "deliverance'd" by a giant octopus.  You've earned it.

/Flagg.

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As an after-note. I did think of 1 microtransaction cash shop Item I would support.  A portable tauntan that you can slice open and stuff your companion in.  THAT. I would pay for.